Tuesday, 21 June 2011

So many tears :(

I don't think I have cried so much in my life!  My diagnosis consumed my every waking moment for the first few days - it was always the first thing I thought of when waking in the morning and the last thing I thought about when going to bed at night.  We tried to keep things as normal as possible (at home) however it was hard at times.  I would be fine for a good few hours (the girls were a good distraction) and then I would fall apart for a while and have a good cry.

Ryan and I did so much research following the days of my diagnosis.  We spent hours on the internet looking for answers to some of our questions.  The appointment with my surgeon couldn't come quick enough!  My lovely Dr (who initially phoned me with the news) kindly arranged an appointment for me to meet with Dr Peter Willsher at The Mount Hospital on Tuesday 21st June at 10.15am.  I was so thankful she arranged this for me - one less thing to worry about!

I found it extremely difficult for me to talk about my diagnosis and as such ended up telling a few friends via text message - not my ideal way of them finding out but I just couldn't say the words.... I have breast cancer.  I also asked these friends to tell all other mutual friends - this way it would save us having to relive the nightmare each time we told someone.  Slowly the news was getting around and in a way I was relieved as I felt that if it was 'out' I could move on and get on with fighting it!  Within hours I had received many text messages which was so lovely but overwhelming at the same time.  I just kept thinking how lucky we were to have such lovely family and friends in our lives.

As I am sure you can imagine, I didn't get much sleep on the Monday evening.  I tossed and turned all night and was up early but couldn't eat breakfast.  Thankfully my appt was mid morning (didn't have to wait long to get all the answers to my questions).  My lovely Mum came with Ryan and I to the appt - we wanted her there for support and for her medical knowledge.  Mum has always worked in hospitals and knows a lot of the jargon!

When Dr Willsher called my name my heart was racing!!!  He sat us down and asked us what we knew so far - maybe he was thinking he had to tell me the dreaded news?!?  We told him as much as we knew.  In a nutshell he explained that I had stage 2, grade 3 breast cancer. There are 4 stages of breast cancer with stage 1 being very early and there are 3 grades of breast cancer with grade 3 being high grade - aggressive.  He went on to say that 4 cancers were found in the one breast.  I was unaware of this - I had only found one lump.  Of course the lump that I felt was the larger of the lumps however they also found 3 smaller lumps during the ultrasound and mammogram.  This was frightening to hear as I knew this couldn't be good.  He advised that I would need surgery (mastectomy was my only option) and that surgery would take place on Wednesday (we had less than 2 days notice!).  He wanted to act fast and although I was in shock hearing the news all over again I was keen to have the surgery as soon as possible - I needed to get rid of this in my body.

Following the appointment I had to have a bone scan and CT scan to ensure it had not spread to any of my organs or to my bones.  I spent most of my day at the Mount Hospital seeing specialist after specialist and when we finally arrived home later that afternoon I was an emotional mess :(  Mum and Dad were there waiting for us and I cried and cried.  I should add here though that the bone scan and CT scan both came back clear which was a relief but it was all so much to take in on one day. 

The following day I packed for the hospital and left lots of notes around the house for Ryan and our parents - so they could help with the girls whilst I was away for a few days.  I hardly slept on Tuesday night!